Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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