i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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