Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
