I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
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Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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