I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
