I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
