I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
