One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
