Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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