Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
