Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
