Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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