we have pet lesbian snakes
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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