hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
