I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
