Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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