She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
