apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
