I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she woke up with a sticky ear
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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