smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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