they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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