Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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