i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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