Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
