im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
