That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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