careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Gay?
German.
Pity.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
