Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do you have feelings for this penis?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
