I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
