So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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