how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
