went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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