i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
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