why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
