Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
