I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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