my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
