I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
