Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
she pinky promised me she was 18
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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