Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
