You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
