I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
