I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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