Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
