I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Damn victory sex feels great
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
