You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
