I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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