How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I can't turn off my feet"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
