paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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