I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
