I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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