i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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