The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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