I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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