I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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