i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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