Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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