I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
