my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
