You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
