I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
A+ Viking dick
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
