I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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