She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
